Without her
by AllWasWellatPigfarts
Summary: What if Shelby died? Season 2, sad.


This is set some time after sectionals in season 2.

* * *

"Should we tell her?" Quinn asked uncertainly.

"She deserves to know." Puck says.

"But is it our place? And besides they don't have a relationship." Mercedes added

"We should tell her." Quinn decides.

"Tell who what?" Santana asks as she walks in on Finn's arm.

"Um, tell Rachel that-" Puck started but he was interrupted by Santana "that she lacks a personality?"

"Shelby died." Quinn finishes for Puck.

"What?" They all turn to see Rachel standing in the door way. Her face betrays nothing and the rest of new directions sits in their seats awkwardly.

"Rachel, you shouldn't have found out like that." Puck says softly. "Me and Quinn were told because of Beth." He answers her silent question as he walks up to pull her into a hug but she moves away from his grasp and walks in and takes her seat.

"I'm sure Mr Schue would understand if you went home." Tina says softly.

"Why? This doesn't affect me." She says stonily.

They all share a look as Mr Schue walks into the choir room. "What's wrong guys?" He asks them but Rachel's sharp look makes them all shrug and not respond.

Despite what she's been told at the beginning of rehearsal Rachel carried on as if nothing was wrong. In fact, she carried on like that for the next week and a half. If any thoughts of Shelby strayed into her mind she would put them aside or recall that Shelby had decided not to be in her life. She found it easy to pretend nothing was wrong, apart from in Glee rehearsal nobody really talked to her and of course her father's didn't know that she even knew who Shelby was, let alone that she had died. Finn had tried to talk to her but he had barely talked to her since they broke up so she wasn't about to use him as a shoulder to cry on now. So everything carried on as normal until she saw heard Puck and Quinn mentioning, in a not so subtle way, that her funeral was on the coming Saturday.

Luckily Rachel's Dad's were out of town that particular weekend so she didn't have to come up with a reason as to why she was wearing her smart black dress and heading out at eight on a Saturday morning. The service was to start at half past nine and was in Akron, so she needed time to get there. She hadn't even planned on going but that morning she had gotten up and ready before she even knew what she was doing.

She kept her mind blank as she drove, not daring to think or feel. She pulled into the parking lot of the church but decided that if she wanted to get away quickly it would be better not to have to try and pull out of the church parking lot so she decided to park on a side road. After finding a parking spot she walked to church pulling her cardigan closer to her body. She walked inside and saw that the church was not very full. The first thing Rachel notices was that the second to fifth rows were filled with members of Vocal Adrenaline in their blue and black uniform. Judging by the numbers there was also a considerable number of ex-numbers. The first row Rachel presumed were Shelby's family and close friends. There was an elderly couple trying to keep themselves from crying. It dawned on Rachel that there were probably quite a few people in the room who she was related to.

The next few rows after that also had people sitting in them, presumably colleagues, neighbours and acquaintances. Rachel stuck with her plan of sitting in the back row at the end so she could make a quick escape if she needed to. She also didn't feel like she had the right to sit up with people who actually knew Shelby, who had more than three memories with her. This was her mother's funeral, yet she was an outsider. That thought alone almost made her get up and leave but it was too late. The pall bearers were waiting to bring in the coffin. Rachel froze when she noticed that Jesse was holding the front right hand corner. Luckily, from his position he hadn't seen her. She couldn't believe she hadn't even thought about him being here, even after seeing the rest of Vocal Adrenaline.

While even the two back pall bearers were wearing their Vocal Adrenaline uniforms Jesse was in a black suit with a black shirt and tie. Rachel tried to covertly get a better look at Jesse. He looked awful, beautiful, but the grief written all over his face was almost enough to bring tears to Rachel's eyes but she had decided that she would not cry today, and Rachel Berry was nothing if not determined.

The other man at the front was also in a suit but he seemed to be in his early thirties so Rachel wondered if he was Shelby's brother.

The coffin was brought in to Vocal Adrenaline singing an arrangement of Amazing Grace. Rachel saw that even Sunshine was there which confused her greatly but just assumed that all of Vocal Adrenaline were required to be there. Rachel didn't sing along, she didn't seem to be able to find her voice. Once they were finished Jesse took his seat at the front he even took Beth, who had previously been in her grandparents lap. That was Shelby's daughter Rachel realised, she was nothing but a stranger. The priest started talking and she wondered if she would be able to slip out but no matter how much she willed it of herself, she stayed rooted in her seat.

The man she had seen earlier got up to speak, she was right he was Shelby's brother.

"My sister was amazing and I'm sure that most people would agree that she changed their life by being in it."

_It would have been_ Rachel thought bitterly _if she'd wanted to be in it._

"She always supported me no matter what I did. She was there when I needed someone to talk to or a place to stay. She had a big heart and I was one of those lucky enough to benefit from it." He finished and Rachel realised that she had definitely made a mistake coming to the funeral of the woman who had given birth to her. All that it was doing was reminding her how she didn't know this woman, how she had never benefited from her big heart or been able to talk to her about anything.

A friend of Shelby's then spoke but it was the next speaker that Rachel both resented and felt for. He definitely seemed the most affected by her mothers death.

"Shelby-" He started before choking slightly "made me who I am today, in so many ways. She inspired and encouraged my talent, she pushed my performing and taught me so much. She was more than my glee club coach, more than a teacher or mentor. She was a mother to me. She was the closest thing I had ever known to a parent. She was who I went to if I had trouble at school, with friends, even girls. I would have done anything for her." It was at this point that he locked eyes with Rachel and shock briefly graced his features but he carried on. "I would not be where or who I am today without her." He looked down as a few tears fell from his eyes. "I was asked to sing something here today and it took me so long to decide on something. I wanted it to be original, something that said everything I wanted, something she would have liked and obviously good enough to live up to her standards. In the end I ended up with a cliche but Shelby helped me on my way to my dreams. She always pushed me, her dreams didn't work out so she helped us with ours."

Jesse sat down at the piano and began to play. Rachel recognised the song as Josh Groban's 'You Raise Me Up'.

_When I am down and, oh my soul, so weary;_  
_ When troubles come and my heart burdened be;_  
_ Then, I am still and wait here in the silence,_  
_ Until you come and sit awhile with me._

Jesse sang beautifully and Rachel could hear the emotion in his voice and it pained her. She didn't know why, she really thought that the only thing she would feel for him would be hate but he her heart was literally breaking and this time it wasn't because of him, it was for him. It suddenly made sense why Jesse lead her to Shelby, like he said, he would do anything for her.

_You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;_  
_ You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;_  
_ I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;_  
_ You raise me up: To more than I can be._

Jesse was putting so much emotion into the song that Rachel wondered how he had ever appeared like a souless automaton. His face was wet with tears and his eyes were closed, face contorted in anguish.

_You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;_  
_ You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;_  
_ I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;_  
_ You raise me up: To more than I can be._

Rachel appreciated how much Shelby had done for the kids in Vocal Adrenaline and Jesse but with no experience of her own the tears were kept at bay. She wondered if that made her heartless.

_There is no life - no life without its hunger;_  
_ Each restless heart beats so imperfectly;_  
_ But when you come and I am filled with wonder,_  
_ Sometimes, I think I glimpse eternity._

_You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;_  
_ You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;_  
_ I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;_  
_ You raise me up: To more than I can be._

The rest of Vocal Adrenaline stood up and joined in but Jesse's voice powered through.

_You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;_  
_ You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;_  
_ I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;_  
_ You raise me up: To more than I can be._

_You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;_  
_ You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;_

Jesse took the last two lined as a solo.

_I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;_  
_ You raise me up: To more than I can be._

He stood up and made his way back to his seat looking at Rachel the whole time, worrying when he saw her blank expression. The rest of the service continued and Jesse kept looking around to check that Rachel was still there. He wanted to make sure that she was okay. He wondered if he would slap him or tell him to go to hell. He wouldn't be surprised if she did. This day must be hard enough without having to deal with your douche of an ex-boyfriend. Jesse may be arrogant but he knew that the way he treated Rachel was deplorable and it was one thing he was glad Shelby never knew about.

At the same time he hoped that Rachel wouldn't push him away. This definitely couldn't be easy for her and if it wasn't for him she wouldn't be going through this. She wouldn't have to sit at a funeral of a mother she never knew. Her dad's may have told her that her birth mother died but it would be different. Shelby would be a mythical figure who she would only hear about, she wouldn't have the bitterness that was probably there after their own encounters.

The service ended with Vocal Adrenaline singing a slowed down version of Abba's Thank You for the Music with Jesse taking the lead again. This song Rachel was able to join in because this was song was one she could relate to Shelby, she knew that without her genes she would definitely not have her own talent.

_I'm nothing special, in fact I'm a bit of a bore _  
_ If I tell a joke, you've probably heard it before _  
_ But I have a talent, a wonderful thing _  
_ 'Cause everyone listens when I start to sing _  
_ I'm so grateful and proud _  
_ All I want is to sing it out loud _

_ So I say _  
_ Thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing _  
_ Thanks for all the joy they're bringing _  
_ Who can live without it, I ask in all honesty _  
_ What would life be? _  
_ Without a song or a dance what are we?_  
_ So I say thank you for the music _  
_ For giving it to me _

_ Mother says I was a dancer before I could walk _  
_ (M'M)She says I began to sing long before I could talk _  
_ And I've often wondered, how did it all start _  
_ Who found out that nothing can capture a heart _  
_ Like a melody can _  
_ Well, whoever it was, I'm a fan _

_ So I say _  
_ Thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing _  
_ Thanks for all the joy they're bringing _  
_ Who can live without it, I ask in all honesty _  
_ What would life be?_  
_ Without a song or a dance what are we?_  
_ So I say thank you for the music _  
_ For giving it to me _

_ I've been so lucky, I am the girl with **raven** hair (_they changed the word)  
_ I wanna sing it out to everybody _  
_ What a joy, what a life, what a chance! _

_ Thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing _  
_ Thanks for all the joy they're bringing _  
_ Who can live without it, I ask in all honesty _  
_ What would life be? _  
_ Without a song or a dance what are we?_  
_ So I say thank you for the music _  
_ For giving it to me _

_ Thank you for the music _  
_ For giving it to me..._

Rachel quickly left the church before anyone could catch her but she didn't want to leave completely. She couldn't explain it to herself but she felt like she had to see Shelby buried for herself, to see the last time that her mother would be in this world. She watched as Jesse dejectedly walked towards the cemetery that accompanied the church and after everyone had passed she mad her way in and stood off to the side a bit further away from her mother's actual grave.

Jesse saw Rachel off a bit in the distance and he realised he'd never seen anyone so innocent or lost. He didn't care if she was going to push him away he had to be there for her, Shelby would want that, and he needed to. He couldn't see her in pain like this, especially when again it was partially his fault.

He handed Beth, who he had been carrying to Andrew, Shelby's brother. Everyone watched curiously as he walked away from the grace but stopped watching him after a few moments.

Rachel who had not been paying attention didn't notice him until his shadow fell across her. She looked up already knowing who it was. He reached out his hand and Rachel sighed but placed her own into it. The held hands as they walked across the cemetery, Jesse gripping her hand tightly. He pulled her towards the front of the crowd but she stilled. Jesse softly stroked the back of her hand and gently pulled her along with him back to where he had originally been standing. He didn't let go of her hand.

Once the coffin had been lowered and the flowers had been put on the grave most people began to make their way back to their cars to go to the wake which was being held at Shelby's parent's house.

Rachel and Jesse however didn't move, staring into the open grave. Jesse was about to open his mouth when Maureen, Shelby's mother approached them.

"Thank you for everything Jesse." She smiled wearily.

"It's nothing." He replied modestly, a foreign tone for him but Maureen had been distracted by Rachel who was standing quietly at his side.

"Are you...?" Maureen whispered.

"Rachel." She spoke softly. "I'm sorry for your loss."

"You look so like her." Rachel looked down at this acknowledgment and Jesse's hand left hers to rest on the small of her back reassuringly. "Will you come to the wake?" She asked.

"I don't think-"

"Please. I'd like to talk to you and I know Andrew and Roger would like to meet you."

"She'll come." Jesse assured Maureen and she left them and went to her husband.

Rachel turned away from Jesse. She was mad at him for telling Maureen she would go to the wake, she had no choice now. She also didn't particularly want to be alone with Jesse. She hadn't been prepared to see him today and was pretty sure that she had lost her mind when she took his hand.

"Rachel?" Jesse tried to emit a response but was not granted one. He tried again. "Rachel?"

"What am I supposed to feel?" She asked and Jesse was thrown off by the bitterness in her voice. "I didn't know her. There's not going to be a space in my life now she's gone. She didn't take it in the first place." She spoke and Jesse let her continue her monologue. "Everyone was talking about her and how she touched their lives." Finally the dam broke and tears spilled down Rachel's face. Jesse moved towards her but she threw her arms out and carried on, but turned to face him now. "I'm so angry!" She shouted. "If she hadn't rejected me it would hurt but it wouldn't be like this! I don't even know what this is! I hate her! I hate you! It shouldn't be like this!"

Jesse pulled her into him trying to stop his own tears from falling but failing. He felt Rachel's hands beating against his chest as she tried to get out of his hold. After a few minutes she stopped and her sobs softened. Jesse stroked her hair, occasionally laying a kiss on the top of her head. He pulled her to sit down on the ground. He sat with his legs spread in a v with Rachel between them, her head resting against his chest as she cried silently, his arms wrapped around her waist.

"Rach, you can feel however you want to. Your grief is your own and it will take any shape, you can't control it."

"I always hoped that when I was a bit older maybe we'd have a relationship, that I'd get to know her but I don't have that chance anymore."

"I'm sorry Rachel."

"Why are you doing this? Acting like this? Like we know each other, like we're friends?"

"I need to-"

"I don't want your obligation." She interrupted.

"For you, me and Shelby. I need to make everything that happened right. I need to apologise. I need you to know that I love you, present tense. It wasn't all a lie and I hate how I ended things. I have no excuse, what I did was horrible and you didn't deserve it. And despite what you think we do know each other, I think you know me better than anyone, especially now." He nodded towards Shelby's grave. "You were her regret. She only wanted to know you, it wasn't supposed to end the way it did."

"I don't want to talk about his now." Rachel said standing up. "We have to go to the wake anyway."

Jesse nodded trying to ignore the sting he felt that she ignored everything he had just told her. "I'll drive." He said leaving no room for argument.

They sat silently in the car, neither had the heart to turn on some music. "How did it happen?"

He looked at her confused.

"How did she die?" She spoke softly, her voice raw from the crying.

"In her sleep. It was one of those medical things that just happens, even if someone's perfectly healthy."

"Who found her?"

"Me."

"What?" Rachel's voice cracked.

"I was home for the weekend and visited her. I ended up staying the night and I woke up to Beth crying so I picked her up and took her up to Shelby. When she didn't open the door or answer I went in and she was just lying there and-" Jesse took a deep breath to calm himself. Rachel covered his hand on the gear stick with her own.

"I'm sorry Jesse."

"How did you find out?"

"Quinn and Puck."

"Of course."

"Would you have told me?" She asked him.

"I don't know, I couldn't decide. After everything I thought that maybe it would be better if you just never found out and another part of me didn't want to be the person who told you. I didn't think I would be able to."

Rachel couldn't find it in herself to be angry at him, even though he really was the only person who would have been able to tell her.

They pulled up at a nice house and got out of the car. Jesse walked into the house without knocking and took her over to Maureen once they had walked in to avoid many of Vocal Adrenaline who were watching them.

"You made it." Maureen smiled gently at Rachel. "Roger, this is Rachel."

"It's nice to meet you." Roger said, shaking her hand but then excused himself.

"I'm sorry, he and Shelby were especially close." She said, brushing her own tears away. Rachel was then introduces to Shelby's brother who hugged her. Maureen went to talk to some other people but Rachel stayed with Andrew. She really liked him, she found out he was gay and that was part of the reason Shelby had agreed to help out her Dad's. He told her stories about Shelby and Jesse joined in. Jesse did not leave her side despite the looks he was getting from the ex-glee clubbers. Andrew gave Rachel his number and told her to keep in touch. Although she liked Andrew she was finding it a bit difficult surrounded by people who were talking about Shelby.

Rachel got up to go to the bathroom and it was occupied so she waited outside. Sunshine stepped out and looked bitterly at Rachel. "Why are you here?" She demanded and Rachel couldn't help but find that a bit rich.

"Shelby was my birth mother." She told Sunshine before moving past her into the bathroom.

When Rachel went back downstairs she saw Jesse waiting at the bottom of the stairs.

"Do want to leave?" He asked and she nodded.

They said goodbye to Maureen and Andrew and left the wake.

"What's happening to Beth?" Rachel asked about an hour into the journey back to Lima.

"I think Andrew's taking her." He said and Rachel smiled softly.

"That's nice."

They pulled up at Rachel's a short while later and Rachel invited Jesse in and they ended up talking all through the night, about their lives and just catching up. At around three in the morning their conversation dulled to whispers.

"You might not feel the same way, but I'm glad Shelby brought us together." Jesse said.

"If it had ended better and hadn't been a complete lie maybe it wouldn't have been the worst thing that ever happened to me."

"Do you really think that?" Jesse asked, hurt.

"I don't know. When we were together it was like, I don't know, like it didn't matter where I was or what was going on."

"What about Run Joey Run then?"

"I'm still me." She said and he laughed softly. "I'm sorry that I hurt you though."

"Me too."

"When do you go back to college?"

"Tomorrow."

"Oh." She sounded disappointed.

"I could stay another week." He said.

"No, I don't want you to get even more behind. We can still talk."

"Yes but we can't do this." He said as he leaned in and kissed her.

"Jesse." She protested.

"Rachel, if today taught us anything it's that life is short. I know it's cheesy but I don't want to waste any more time. I love you, I held back last time because I knew that I would have to leave and you were still into Finn but this time I promise to give you all of me, if you give me a second chance. Please don't throw us away. We're made for each other. Last time shouldn't have happened but it did. We need to start over, we need to fall in love properly because if last time was how good it was when we both weren't completely in it then this time it'll be amazing, we'll be-"

She cut him off with a kiss.

"We'll make it work."

* * *

That made me cry as I wrote it ='[ lol but I hope you like it. I might do another oneshot as a companion to this.


End file.
